The Question I Stopped Asking My Kindergarteners
And Why It Failed Me During Cancer
For years, I asked the same question when a student was overwhelmed, “Are you okay?”
Sweet. Caring. Completely useless.
Because here’s what happens when you ask a five-year-old who’s learning English as a second language if they’re okay:
~ They freeze.
~ They look at you with those big eyes.
~ They don’t know what “okay” means in this context.
~ They don’t know if you want the truth or the polite answer.
~ They don’t know if admitting they’re not okay will get them in trouble.
So they just stand there. Stuck. And I realized I was making it worse.
Here’s What I Started Doing Instead
Student is crying at their desk. Pencil on the floor. Paper crumpled. That look of, “I can’t do this.” I’d walk over. Kneel down. And say, “Show me where you got stuck.”
Not, “Are you okay?”
Not, “What’s wrong?”
Not, “Do you need help?”
“Show me where you got stuck.”
Everything changed. Because that question does three things at once:
~ It acknowledges the problem without making it bigger. You’re stuck. Not broken. Not failing. Just stuck.
~ It assumes a before and after. There was a point where this was working. There will be a point where it works again. Right now, we’re just finding the stuck place.
~ It gives them something concrete to do. Point. Show. Identify. That’s manageable. That’s action.
And once they showed me where they got stuck? We could break it down. “Okay, so you know how to write your name. You got stuck on the next word. Let’s work on it together.” Not overwhelming. Not impossible. Just one step. Then the next.
When Cancer Taught Me My Own Lesson
I left teaching years ago because the system became about compliance instead of humans.
But I took that question with me. Because six years after I left, I got diagnosed with breast cancer. And every single person in my life asked me: “Are you okay?”
Friends. Family. Former colleagues.
> “Are you okay?”
> “How are you doing?”
>“Are you hanging in there?”
And I wanted to scream because I didn’t know how to answer that. Was I okay? By what standard? I was alive. I was terrified. I was nauseous. I was all of those things at once.
The Person Who Asked It Differently
But there was one person who asked it differently. My sister. She didn’t ask if I was okay. She asked: “What’s the hardest part right now?” And I could answer that, “The hardest part is that I can’t eat anything. Nothing sounds good and I’m losing weight I can’t afford to lose.”
And then she said: “Okay. What are the three foods you can actually keep down?” Smoothies. Soup. Toast with almond butter. “Then that’s what you eat. Today. Until something else sounds good.”
She broke it down.
She didn’t try to fix the WHOLE thing.
She didn’t tell me it would all be okay.
She just helped me identify where I was stuck and what the next manageable step was.
The Question That Actually Helps
That’s what I started doing with myself. And now it’s what I do with every person who’s in the middle of something impossible.
I don’t ask, “Are you okay?” Because if you’re reaching out, you’re not. And that question just makes you feel worse for not being able to answer it.
I ask: “What’s the hardest part right now?” And then: “Show me where you’re stuck.”
Then, they tell me. “I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept more than 3 hours at a time in six weeks.”
Okay. When do you fall asleep?
When do you wake up?
What’s happening in your body when you wake up?
We find the stuck place.
And then we build the off-ramp.
Not a full sleep routine.
Not, “create a relaxing bedtime environment.”
The one thing their nervous system needs to believe the threat is over.
Sometimes it’s a physical reset. Sometimes it’s a ready-made script for boundary-setting. Sometimes it’s just permission to stop pretending they’re fine.
But it’s always specific.
It’s always manageable.
It’s always the next step.
What Twenty Years of Teaching Taught Me About Survival
I spent 20 years teaching overwhelmed kindergarteners how to function when everything felt impossible. Then I spent time in cancer treatment learning how to function when my own system was screaming. And now I help people the same way I helped those students:
You’re not broken. You’re stuck.
And once we find where you’re stuck, we can break it down into steps your overwhelmed brain can actually handle.
You don’t need someone to ask if you’re okay. You need someone to help you find where you’re stuck. And then build the path forward. One step. Then the next.
That’s how you survive when everything’s falling apart.
Try This Today
The next time someone asks you, “Are you okay?” and you feel that familiar tightness in your chest because you really don’t know how to answer, try this instead, Ask yourself: “What’s the hardest part right now?”
Not, “What’s wrong with my whole life?”
Not, “Why can’t I handle this?”
Just, “What’s the single hardest thing in this moment right now?”
Then ask: “What’s one manageable step I can take with that one hard thing?”
Not a WHOLE solution. Not a fix. Just the next step.
> Can’t sleep? The step might be, text one person and tell them you need help.
>Overwhelmed at work? The step might be, block 15 minutes on your calendar for NOTHING.
>Can’t eat? The step might be, identify one food you CAN keep down and eat that today.
You don’t have to solve the whole thing.
You just have to find where you’re stuck and take one step.
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